When Your Friend Keeps Cancelling Plans, Should You Keep Trying or Let Go?

Someone on the call said, "It’s like pulling teeth trying to arrange anything with my friends. I’m always the one making the effort, and then they often cancel at the last minute anyway. I don’t know if I should I keep trying, or just accept that this friendship is over? I don’t want to but…."

We spent a LOT of time on this one, because almost everyone in the group had been there. Whether on the receiving end of the friend who says, “yep that sounds great!” when you suggest meeting up, but who never takes the first step to make that happen, or the friend who's always "so sorry, something's come up" and gives a reasonable excuse – and then does it again, and again, and again. We all knew that sinking feeling when the penny starts to drop and you wonder, panicking, whether the excuses are real, or whether they’re actually just trying to avoid you (interestingly, a few people had also been on the other side of the table – the self-described ‘flaky friends’ – and it was fascinating hearing their perspectives too).

The question of ‘what to do next’ in this kind of situation was on everyone’s minds. None of us want to seem needy, or possessive, or pushy. But the uncertainty is painful, wearing, all-consuming – not wanting to let the familiarity and comfort of an old friendship go, but not wanting to live like this either.

As the recognition rippled through the group and the conversation gathered pace, the person who had asked the question smiled in relief. "I thought it was just me!" she said. "I thought I was just being too sensitive."

She wasn't. And if you're reading this wondering the same thing about your own friendship (or friendships), neither are you.

Why do our friends cancel plans at the last minute?

There are three main reasons why a friend might repeatedly cancel social plans (or why they might never make them in the first place). Understanding the ‘why’ is crucial in helping us figure out how to feel about what’s happening, and what to do next.

Through hundreds of conversations with people navigating this exact dilemma, I've noticed that repeatedly cancelling social plans typically comes down to one of three things:

They’re Overwhelmed

The first – and probably the most common – reason that a friend might cancel plans they're genuinely overwhelmed.

Overwhelm can happen for a number of reasons - perhaps your friend has just had a baby and every day feels exhausting and chaotic, or maybe work has exploded and they're barely keeping their head above water. They could be dealing with a family crisis, health issues, or mental health struggles – or just the sheer logistics of managing family life – which is consuming all of their capacity and sending them into survival (shut down) mode (I really recognise this one – with three kids, and dog, and two entrepreneurs in the family, my partner and I spend so much time juggling logistics that we have to make a conscious effort to spend non-planning time with each other, and with our friends as well).

It's worth noting that overwhelm can lead our friends can cancel, or stop replying to our messages, even when we might expect them to do the opposite. Emily shared her experience in one of our community sessions. Her best friend of fifteen years started cancelling constantly after her father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. "At first I felt hurt," Emily said. "I kept thinking, doesn't she need support right now? I’m doing everything I can to be there for her – maybe she thinks I’m being pushy? It hurt that she was shutting down when we were such good friends. But then I realised it wasn’t anything to do with me at all. The poor thing could barely get through the day – she did want to see me, but it just felt like another chore on a massive to-do list.”

Remember that some people go through stretches of time where they feel quite overwhelmed – whereas for others, it can be something that they are constantly managing.

They’re Taking You For Granted 

The second reason that friends cancel regularly and / or don’t step up to initiate plans, is that they’ve gotten so used to you being there that they’ve forgotten they need to make any effort. Perhaps you’ve so often been the one to suggest dates and times, make the plans etc that they’ve mentally ‘checked out’ of the need to bother, because they’re so confident that you will. Perhaps you’ve always been so lovely and accommodating when they’ve needed to rearrange that started to assume that it’s just not a problem for you – and that it’s okay for them to prioritise other things.

This one sneaks up on friendships, because it won’t be a pattern that’s there at the start. And it can be strangely flattering at first – the idea that your friend is so comfortable with you, and so  confident that you will always be there, that they’ve felt able to take their foot off the pedal. That being said, it’s hard being the one doing all the emotional labour. If your friend is coasting – and if you’re noticing - then that means it’s not okay.

They’re Just Not That Into You 

The third reason is the one we all fear (and often assume) is true - that the person we see as our friend just not that into us. It’s always important to consider other possibilities first, but sometimes the difficult truth is that your friendship just isn’t a priority for your friend in the same way as it is for you. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t like you – they might like you, consider you a friend, and want you in their life. What it does mean, is that they are unlikely to want to see you as often as you want to see them, and that when other things come up - for example a romantic interest, a different social opportunity, or simply staying home because they're tired – they may choose that option rather than following through on plans with you.

“But why don’t they just tell me?” I can hear you thinking. In an ideal world, we’d all know exactly where we stood with everyone in our lives – and wouldn’t it be a relief, even if it wasn’t what we wanted to hear? Unfortunately, the reality is that people rarely spell it out for us, leaving it up to us to try and work out where we stand. No one wants to be unkind, or to face the backlash if the message doesn’t land well. Instead, most people prefer to create distance in the relationship in ways that are more subtle than having a direct conversation.

The Challenge

The challenge, of course, is that how you respond to your friend’s repeated cancellations depends to a large degree on what’s really going on for them. If you get it wrong, you either end up pressuring someone who's genuinely struggling, enabling someone who's taking you for granted, or wasting your precious time and energy on a friendship that simply isn’t going to go anywhere. So we need to be able to tell these things apart.

How can I tell if my friend is overwhelmed, taking our friendship for granted, or just not interested?

This is where most people get stuck. They can sense something's off, but they can't quite put their finger on what. They oscillate between giving their friend the benefit of the doubt and feeling more and more resentful, uncertain, and exhausted. When we spoke about this in our community, the group recognised that the context around our friend’s behaviour was really important – but got stuck on how to work that out.

To help with this, I’ve put together a list of questions to ask yourself when you’re in a situation where a friend keeps cancelling, or is being generally unresponsive. To be clear – none of this is an exact science, and it may be that the actual reason isn’t clear at all, even once you’ve worked through these questions. I haven’t written them to help you mind-read – just to help you look for patterns, and interpret what you’re seeing.

Do they apologise genuinely, explain, and suggest alternative dates – or let you know when they’ll be back in touch?

Someone who's overwhelmed but values the friendship will say things like, "I'm so sorry, I've got a work deadline. Could we do next Wednesday instead?" or “I’m so sorry, I’m just absolutely exhausted with caring for my dad and need an early night – would you mind if we reschedule? Realistically it’s going to be a couple of weeks – can we check in then?”

Someone who’s perhaps just got a bit lazy but still cares about the friendship might still check that you’re okay to rearrange, but could be non-committal about rearranging: “You don’t mind, do you? I could probably do next week?” or “So sorry lovely, something’s come up! I just need to check my diary – let me get back to you with some more dates.” They may or may not follow through – again, that will tell you something about how committed they are to the friendship.

Someone who's not invested is much more likely to be vague and non-committal about rearranging. They might say, ‘really sorry but I can’t make it tonight’ – and leave it there. They might leave you on ‘read’ when you suggest an alternative plan, or say something like, ‘yep, maybe another time,’ but without any particular enthusiasm. You might notice a pattern where they’re gradually spreading out meet ups over time by cancelling then rearranging for new dates which are increasingly far apart – even if they’re perfectly polite when you’re with them.

Do they share what's actually going on in their life – and do you believe them?

When someone's genuinely overwhelmed, they’re usually happy to tell you why. They might say they're in the thick of a house move, or their mental health has been rocky, or work is brutal right now. You might be able to read on their faces (or in their voices) signs that they are struggling. They give you context. They give you explanation. They may give you emotion. People who are taking your friendship for granted – and people who are disinterested – may be open about their reasons, but these may start to feel repeated, or more like excuses. Some people who are disinterested may not offer any reasons at all, or may change the subject when asked.

Do they get in touch proactively and initiate plans occasionally, even if they sometimes cancel?

This is crucial. Even people in difficult life seasons will reach out when they have a window of capacity. They might not follow through every time, but the intention is there. If you're always the one reaching out, that likely tells you that they are either uninterested, or taking you for granted.

When you do meet up, is it warm and engaged?

Does your friend seem present and genuinely happy to see you? In other words – do you get the impression that they actually want to be there? Or do they seem distracted - checking their phone frequently, talking dismissively or in short sentences, or cutting your time together short? The quality of your in-person connection reveals a lot about how they actually feel about the friendship.

If you answered yes to most of these questions, your friend is likely overwhelmed, not uninterested or taking you for granted. They're struggling with capacity, not commitment, and your friendship will likely be able to weather this season with the right approach.

If you answered no to most of these questions, the friendship has either become unbalanced (they've gotten too comfortable with you doing all the work), or they're simply not that invested. Either way, something needs to change.

What should I say to a friend who keeps cancelling because they're overwhelmed?

If you're pretty sure that your friend isn’t keeping up with plans because they are genuinely overwhelmed, your aim should be to show you care while also taking the pressure off of your friend. Making it easier for them to be honest about what they need, rather than continuing to make promises they can’t keep.

A Script For An Overwhelmed Friend

You could say something like, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve had to rearrange a few times, and it seems like you have a lot going on at the moment. I really understand and don’t want seeing me to be just something else you have to think about! What can I do to help make this easier? I was wondering whether getting in touch just to check in, rather than to make plans, might take the pressure off for a while? Or you can let me know when you’re ready to get back in touch? What would work best for you?”

A script like this points out the pattern without laying blame, it shows compassion and understanding, and it suggests a way of staying connected while taking the pressure off. Asking a question about what to do next also gives your friend a sense of control at a point in time when they probably don’t feel that they have very much.

The beauty of this script is that it forces clarity. You'll know within days whether your friend is relieved by this approach or uncomfortable with it.

When Michaela texted along similar lines to a friend who'd cancelled four times in two months, the response was immediate and heartfelt. Her friend called her in tears. "Thank you for saying that," she said. "I've been so embarrassed. I'm dealing with postnatal depression and I can barely function. I want to see you, I just can't predict when I'll be okay." They agreed that Michaela would send a weekly text saying "thinking of you, I'm here when you're ready," and her friend would reach out when she had capacity. It removed the guilt and preserved the friendship.

In Tony’s case, his friend replied completely differently. “No no mate, sorry yep I’ve just had a lot going on. Let’s definitely do something next week.” And then he showed up. And showed up the next time, and the next. Although this response was completely different, less open and less emotional, it showed that his friend was genuinely invested in their friendship, and was able and willing to reprioritise once the pattern had been pointed out to him.

How do I address a friendship where you DON’T think overwhelm is the main reason that it’s become one-sided?

It’s more difficult to work out if someone’s reluctance to meet up is because they’re comfortable letting you do all the work, or because they’re just not interested.

So what should you do?  

The Unbalanced Friendship Script

The first thing I’d recommend you do is have a conversation. This conversation is harder than the previous one, because it requires you to be more direct, and less accommodating. You're not supporting them through their circumstances - you're confronting a dynamic that needs to change.

You could try something like this ‘unbalanced friendship’ script:

"Hi! It would be great to see you soon, and I wondered if you’d be up for taking the lead on getting something organised? I’ve noticed I’m often the one trying to make plans to meet up - I really value our friendship, and would like things to feel a bit more mutual.”

This clarifies the issue, and asks for the specific change you’d like to see, without being accusatory.

What happens next will tell you everything you need to know

What happens next will be incredibly revealing about a person’s true feelings towards the friendship. Some people will apologise, acknowledge the pattern, and immediately step up. These are the people who really do care, who genuinely didn't realise how one-sided things had become, and they're grateful you spoke up when you did.

Others will get defensive, make excuses, or agree in the moment but then do nothing. Unfortunately, this usually indicates that something else is taking priority – whether that’s other friendships, other things that are happening in their lives, or just their need to be right! Irrespective of exactly what’s going on for them, it’s clear that fixing your friendship isn’t at the top of their to do list.

James, who'd been in a draining friendship for years, finally used this script. His friend responded with, "Oh, I'm just so bad at organising things! You know me, I'm so disorganised!" James replied kindly but firmly, "I understand, but it’s important to me that we’re both pulling our weight. I'm going to step back for a while and see what happens." Nothing happened. His friend never organised anything. After three months, James had his answer. The friendship wasn't actually a priority for the other person, and that was painful but clarifying.

This is the scenario no one wants to face, but sometimes it's the truth. Your friend isn't overwhelmed. The friendship isn't temporarily unbalanced. They're simply not that into the friendship. You're optional to them in a way they're not optional to you.

Next Stop Initiating

Here's what I've learned from watching people navigate this: the situation doesn’t need to get any more dramatic. You don't need to "end" the friendship officially. You don't need to send a message explaining why you're hurt or disappointed. You just stop initiating. This is the second action.

To be clear - this isn't about punishing your friend. It's about redirecting your energy towards people who genuinely want to be in your life – and respecting yourself enough to stop chasing people who aren't meeting you halfway.

In practice, this means:

• Stop texting first
• Stop suggesting plans
• Stop offering emotional support
• If they reach out, respond warmly but briefly
• Don't be rude or cold, just stop pursuing

What typically happens is one of two things. Either the friendship naturally fades because they don't pick up the slack (which confirms they weren't that invested), or they notice your absence and start making more effort (in which case you can decide whether you want to re-engage).

Rachel described this perfectly in one of our 1-1 coaching sessions. "I felt really guilty at first, it felt mean and petty because I wasn’t used to doing it. But I wasn't punishing her - I was literally just putting as much energy into the friendship that she did. It really confirmed to me how little effort she was making and it definitely made me feel better about the decision.”

Within weeks, Rachael had redirected that energy towards two other friendships that had been simmering on the back burner. Those friends responded enthusiastically. They made time. They showed up. And Rachel realised she'd been so focused on someone who didn't value her that she'd been neglecting people who did.

How do I know if I'm being too demanding or if my expectations are reasonable?

This is the question underneath the question, isn't it? The fear that maybe you're the problem – that you're being too needy, too sensitive, too much – and that those are the reasons why people in your life are pulling away.

Let me be clear: Wanting consistency is not needy. Expecting our friends to occasionally make the effort is not demanding. Hoping our friends will want to spend good quality time with us does not make us high maintenance.

Healthy friendships exist and grow because both people want to be in them. It’s true that sometimes one person will have to carry more of the weight for a while -  but over time, there should be give and take. It’s also true that some people are naturally better at ‘friendship maintenance.’ But the hard truth is that people put their energy into what matters to them – and if there’s very little effort being made at all, then it’s not really about who’s ‘better’ at it.

What happens when people try these approaches?

The outcome isn’t always what people want or expect, but it always brings clarity and relief.

Sophie tried the "overwhelmed friend" script with someone she'd been worried about for months. Her friend burst into tears on the phone and admitted she'd been struggling with anxiety so severe she could barely leave the house. "I thought if I told you, you'd think I was pathetic," her friend said. The conversation opened a door to genuine support. They established a new rhythm - Sophie would drop off coffee on her friend's doorstep once a week, no pressure to meet up, just a reminder she was there. Six months later, her friend's mental health had improved and she was able to socialise again. The friendship not only survived but deepened.

Marcus used the "unbalanced friendship" script with a mate he'd known since university. His friend's response was eye-opening: "Mate, I honestly didn't realise. I just assumed you were more social than me, so it made sense you'd organise stuff. I'm happy to take a turn - I just didn't think you minded." They recalibrated, and the friendship found a better balance. Sometimes people genuinely don't notice patterns until you name them.

But the stories that moved me most were from people like Anya, who stopped chasing a friend who wasn't invested. She described the grief – the very real loss that come from accepting someone doesn't value you the way you value them - but also the freedom.

Why do these conversations matter so much?

In years of doing this work, here’s what I've come to understand: friendship dilemmas like this aren't just about someone cancelling plans. They're about something deeper - our fundamental need to feel valued, to feel seen, to feel like we matter.

When a friend repeatedly cancels or doesn't reciprocate effort, it triggers something primal. It whispers: maybe you're not worth showing up for. Maybe you're asking too much. Maybe you're the problem.

But you're not. And having spaces where people can voice these questions without judgement, where we can work through frameworks together, where we can share what actually worked - that's transformative.

In our community, no one laughed when that question about the cancelling friend was asked. No one rolled their eyes or said "just get over it." Because we all understood. We've all been the person wondering if we're being too sensitive, if we should keep trying, if we're allowed to want more.

These conversations give us permission to have standards. They remind us that friendship, like any relationship, requires mutual investment. They help us distinguish between seasons of imbalance (which all friendships go through) and patterns of disrespect (which none of us should tolerate).

Most importantly, they help us stop spiralling in isolation. When you're wondering if you're overthinking a friendship, there's something profoundly healing about discovering you're not alone in that experience. That other thoughtful, kind, reasonable people have wrestled with the same questions. That your instincts about imbalance or disrespect might actually be accurate.

What's the most important thing to remember?

If there's one thing I want you to take away from this piece, it's that your time, energy, and emotional investment are valuable. You're allowed to direct them towards people who reciprocate, and you’re allowed to stop pursuing friendships that don’t give back.

You're allowed to voice what you need, you're allowed to be disappointed when people don't show up for you, and you're allowed to decide that you deserve friendships where you don't have to constantly wonder if you matter.

The friend who keeps cancelling might be overwhelmed and need your compassion. They might have gotten too comfortable with the imbalance and need a gentle reality check. Or they might simply not be that invested. But your job isn't to fix them or fix the friendship - your job is to honour yourself enough to respond appropriately to what you're actually experiencing, not what you wish you were experiencing.

Here’s what happens when you do: you stop feeling anxious, and start feeling more secure, in control and energised. You stop wondering if you're too much and start recognising that you've been settling for too little, for too long.

You deserve friends who show up and spend time with you because you genuinely matter to them. Don't settle for less! Your future self – and the people whose lives you will come into as a result - will thank you for it.