"Do you want me to be nice, or kind?"
My partner asked me this question a few weeks ago, and it stopped me in my tracks.
I'd asked him to review some videos I'd made for a new course I'm building. This was challenging for him because he doesn't like giving me feedback that's not 100% positive. But I ask him because I really respect his opinion, and I knew I needed honest input.
So he asked: nice, or kind?
I laughed awkwardly, because I knew exactly what he meant.
Nice would have been telling me what I wanted to hear: saying that everything was fine, that the videos were great, that I shouldn't change a thing. Nice would have been about keeping him safe from my potential upset and disappointment.
Kind, on the other hand, meant telling me the truth. Taking a deep breath, saying that while some of the videos were okay, most of them needed work – and that in some cases I needed to go back to the drawing board altogether. In this situation, kind meant saying what I needed to hear, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, in order to protect me from future hurt (the embarrassment of launching something that wasn't ready).
Nice would kept him comfortable in the moment. Kind was about keeping me safe in the long run.
I chose kind.
Did it feel uncomfortable, frustrating and to hear that my videos weren’t where I wanted them to be? Absolutely. Was it better for my career, and for our relationship, to have the honest feedback when I did? Also 100%.
This distinction between ‘niceness’ and ‘kindness’ has been rolling around in my mind ever since this happened, and I think it’s worth exploring. I’m convinced that most of us confuse the two, and that matters because being surrounded by people who are genuinely kind is a very different experience to being surrounded by those who stop at ‘nice’ – with profound consequences for us if we can’t tell the difference.
So what’s the difference between the two?
What Does It Mean To be Nice – And Why Isn’t That Enough?
Here’s how I’ve been thinking about it (I’d love to know what you think too!)
Niceness is not inherently a bad thing at all. We need people to be nice to each other in order to keep the social wheels in our communities oiled: niceness helps us to get along with each other well enough to be able to socialise and collaborate, it helps us avoid and / or ease tension, and it helps us to feel good about ourselves (at least in the moment).
We’re nice when we’re pleasant and polite to one another – when we’re agreeable, when we smile, when we prioritise the comfort of the group, when we choose not to rock the boat even when we could. Niceness is complimenting someone’s clothes, their hair, it’s asking questions about their holidays, sharing tip and recommendations on where to eat out, and where to get new school clothes for half the price. It’s saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ it’s holding the door for someone, it’s wishing someone a happy birthday.
Niceness isn’t inherently bad – but I’m convinced it shouldn’t be the be-all and end-all. That’s because (drum roll, I’m going to say something quite controversial here) niceness is inherently self-interested (it is, isn’t it? I think that’s right). We’re nice because we want to be liked, because we don’t want to be disliked, because we want to be seen by others as someone who understands social rules and is able to play by them. And because we don’t want to risk being talked about or excluded from our social group. It’s not that it’s wrong to be nice – it absolutely isn’t. But I do believe that our eagerness to be seen as nice can lead us to act in ways which don’t feel particularly good or authentic. By this I mean things like:
- Telling others what you think they would like to hear, even if doing that means holding back information that would ultimately benefit them in the long run
- Not telling others what they need to hear, because you’re too worried about rocking the boat
- Offering compliments that you don’t really mean, just to keep the peace / keep people onside
- Not calling out behaviour that isn’t okay because it’s easier to turn a blind eye
- Doing things for people because you’re worried about letting them down or them not liking you, not because you genuinely want to
- Being nice to someone’s face, then having to let off steam / rant about them behind their back
- Swallowing our resentment rather than admitting that we’re not comfortable with the way we’re being treated, or the ways thing are playing out
- Niceness being used as a cover for people being uber-competitive with one another
- Nice being used to make sure other people know their place
- Nice being used as a cover for showing off
- Niceness as a cover for nastiness / pettiness
- Appearing the tolerate / agree with people whose views we find deeply offensive / hard to reconcile
- Avoiding emotionally complex topics because it’s easier to keep things light and comfortable
- Holding back from being fully emotionally present because it might feel uncomfortable
- Pretending everything is okay when it really isn’t
- Say yes when you want to say no / overextending / not protecting your own energy, wellbeing and self-care
Do you see what I mean?
Niceness is social lubricant, and to a certain extent a survival strategy – helping us get along with people we aren’t necessarily ever going to have a deeper relationship with. It serves a purpose. But niceness isn't the same as kindness. Mistake one for the other, and we end up with relationships that feel oddly hollow - pleasant on the surface but lacking in genuine depth and authenticity. We can feel ‘alone in a crowd’ – unsure as to whether we are truly seen or valued, and uncertain as to who we can really trust. We miss out on genuine personal growth, because don't get told when we're making a mistake, when our behaviour is affecting others, when we need to change or grow, leaving us blind to our own patterns and mistakes. Finally, we never develop the capacity to accept, interrogate and integrate difficult feedback. We become brittle, defensive, unable to handle any form of criticism or challenge well. Which, in turn, can make it less likely that people will extend well-intentioned advice, as they will be so worried about our reaction.
So this really, really matters.
How Is ‘Niceness’ Different To ‘Kindness?’
One of the kindest people I know is also probably the least ‘nice.’ She’ll listen thoughtfully, take in what you’ve said, chew it over, and ask good questions to make sure she’s fully understood. But when the time comes for her verdict, it’s clear, blunt, and absolutely designed to make you see the truth of the situation you’re in, with almost glaringly painful clarity. She pulls no punches, and will not tolerate navel-gazing, denial, or self-indulgence.
Has she wound people up in the past? Plenty. Has she lost friends (or not made them in the first place). Yep. Would I – or anyone who loves her - change a single thing about her? Absolutely not. Her friendships – and she has many of them - stand the test of time because although she is often brutally honest, the way she shares her thoughts makes it clear that she is absolutely on your side. Her friends don’t go to her for platitudes – they go because they know, without a shadow of a doubt, that she’s got their backs. She is trusted, loved and deeply respected. By standing so firmly in her own authenticity, she naturally draws in people who are also honest, thoughtful, deeply authentic, and who want to learn, improve and grow. She has deep, lasting connections which run across the globe.
Why do I consider my friend to be kind?
Because she acts from a place of genuine care for others, not from a place of self-interest. She understands deeply that ‘nice’ has limits that kick in very quickly when what we’re trying to do is to build meaningful relationships – and that for connections to grow trust, roots and deep foundations, we need get much more okay with being uncomfortable sometimes. She understands that kindness requires courage, and some degree of effort (going out of our way to do something for someone) in a way that niceness doesn't. She knows that kindness comes with inherent risks – that someone will be upset or embarrassed, will react badly, will direct their frustration towards her, or that they might even pull away. But for her, the pay-off is worth the risk.
For me, true kindness is:
- Telling someone what they need to hear in order to make informed decisions and move forward with your life in the best, healthiest and happiest possible way
- Going out of your way to help someone with no benefit to yourself (e.g.: letting an older / sick / disabled person into the queue in front of you)
- Helping even if the other person doesn’t know you’re helping
- Risking discomfort for the sake of the other person’s happiness
- Risking discomfort / disruptions for the chance of strengthening your relationship (e.g.: calling someone out, asking for more of what you need etc)
- Risking short term discomfort to protect against long term harm to the other person
- Defending or protecting someone publicly, even if that means risking your relationships with others around you
- Meeting someone where they’re at, and accepting them fully, even if that means you don’t ‘fit in’ with other people around you any more
- Carefully guarding your emotional and energetic boundaries so that you are able to bring your best energy to those around you
- Prioritising your wellbeing over immediate harmony
James didn't want to tell me my videos needed work. It would have been much easier, much nicer, to say they were great. But ultimately, he cares more about my success than his own comfort – that’s being kind.
There’s a caveat to this, which is that I do also believe that kindness can occasionally mean holding back on the truth, rather than offering it. Some examples of this would be – letting a dementia patient believe that their husband / wife is still alive, if it gives them peace; eventually saying ‘yes okay’ if someone you are speaking to insists that their version of events is true, and seems genuinely distressed at the alternative. The common threads here are that a) you are doing what you’re doing with other person’s best interests at heart, b) it involves courage and effort (in this case, because you are having compromise on your instinct to want to tell them the truth), and c) none of these occasions are ones where you will be able to build a genuine connection.
What kindness is not about:
- Saying everything that comes into your head with no filter.
- Getting annoyed when people don’t listen to you, take your advice or respond the way you want them to.
This isn’t kindness or niceness – it’s belligerence. And it doesn’t lead to healthy, open, authentic relationships, either.
Why do we confuse niceness with kindness?
Why do we so often mistake niceness for kindness? I think there are four main reasons.
The first is that niceness often feels good in the moment. When someone's nice to us - agreeable, pleasant, complimentary - it creates a warm feeling. We feel liked, we feel validated, we feel comfortable. And our brains register this as care and connection. I’ve fallen into this trap so many times – assuming that someone liked me because they said a few nice words to me. We don't immediately notice what's missing - the depth, the honesty, the willingness to be uncomfortable and put themselves out for our sake.
The second, more fundamental reason is that we've been conditioned to value niceness from a young age. As children, most of us were taught to be nice and polite, to share our toys, to let things go, to pretend that we’re fine. to not upset people. We were rarely taught to be kind in the deeper, more challenging sense of the word. That means that when someone is nice to us, it feels like they're doing what good people do. We don't question whether there's something more valuable they could be offering if they were choosing kindness instead.
The third reason is that our natural instinct is often to shy away from that which feels uncomfortable. When someone's genuinely kind to us - telling us a difficult truth, giving us critical feedback, challenging us in some way because they want to help us grow, even just helping us out with something we thought we could do alone - it doesn't always feel good initially. We might feel embarrassed or upset, confused, put-upon, we might confuse their kindness for cruelty. We might react poorly and push the other person away, triggering even more of a shame spiral. It takes courage, resilience and self-awareness to embrace kindness when it’s offered, and not everyone is ready for that. Sometimes, it’s easier to accept niceness than kindness, the comfortable lie over the uncomfortable truth, to choose the person who tells us what we want to hear over the person who tells us what we need to hear.
Finally, it’s easy to confuse niceness with kindness because the difference isn't always immediately obvious. Both nice people and kind people smile at you, ask how you are, seem to care about you. The difference only becomes clear over time, as those around us respond to moments of challenge or difficulty, and makes individual choices.
So how can we tell the difference?
How can we differentiate between people who genuinely care about us and people who just want to avoid discomfort? When we can't tell the difference between nice and kind, we can't tell who's really in our corner. The colleague who never gives you critical feedback might seem supportive, but are they actually invested in your success - or are they just being nice? The friend who always agrees with you might seem loyal, but do they actually care about your wellbeing and growth – or are they just avoiding conflict? The partner who never challenges you no matter how you treat them might seem loving, but are they really committed to growing and deepening your relationship – or are they just keeping things easy?
To work this out, we need to do a few things differently.
First, we need to pay attention to how we’re REALLY feeling about the people in our friendship circle. If everyone seems nice, but your relationships are lacking real depth and closeness, then it could be that all of you are stuck in ‘nice.’
Second, we need to pay attention to our friends’ actions – not just in the moment, but over time. And not just towards us, but towards other people as well. Who is willing to get uncomfortable for the sake of other people, and for their relationships? Who is willing to extend themselves for the people they care about? Who communicates well and tells you difficult truths? Who challenges you in ways that help you grow? Who sticks by you, even through the difficult times, rather than just showing up for the fun times? Who pays attention to what would bring you joy, to what you really need, then goes out of their way to make sure you have it? These are kind people. Value them. Treasure them. They're rarer and more valuable than you might think.
Third, we need to make sure we’re putting out into the world what we hope to get back. This doesn’t mean offering our kindness to absolutely everyone, all of the time. It does mean weighing up the different possible responses to a situation, and choosing the one that feels braver – even if ultimately a bit more uncomfortable – where you can. It’s easy to hope for particular qualities to come our way – from an energetic perspective, we do need to make sure that we are offering the same qualities to others first. (The caveat here is that we shouldn’t keep offering our kindness indiscriminately to people who have been obviously unkind to us – that will be the subject of a different post, but no, you don’t have to be kind to everyone!)
Fourth, we need to work at receiving kindness well. If people are only being nice to you, it might be because you've shown them that kindness isn't welcome – perhaps by reacting defensively to feedback that you didn’t appreciate. Work on receiving difficult truths with grace, demonstrating that you value truth over comfort, and showing your people that their honesty is safe with you. A simple way to start with this is simply to say ‘thank you’ when someone offers you a home truth or goes out of their way for you. Once you are able to receive kind truths, you’ll find those around you feel more confident in having honest conversations (when my partner asked me whether I wanted nice or kind, I could receive his kindness a) because I believe I deserve honest feedback, b) because I'd rather know the truth than be protected from it, and c) because I know him and I trust that his difficult words came from a place of love, not criticism).
Finally, we need to get comfortable directing more of our energy towards those people in our lives who are genuinely kind. This isn’t about cancelling or cutting out or being mean or unkind to the people in our lives who aren’t exhibiting obvious kindness. You can appreciate their niceness for what it is – but you’re still allowed to invest more of your time, love and focus to people who bring the qualities into your life that you are looking for.
Final thoughts
Niceness and kindness both have their place - we need niceness to navigate daily life, to interact pleasantly with strangers and acquaintances, to work well with others, and to maintain social cohesion. But true connection is born when we are willing to step outside of our comfort zones - braving the discomfort, letting ourselves be seen and known fully, and helping others feel the same. If what we want is deeper, more meaningful, more authentic relationships, then kindness is king. Know the difference, and your life will be the better for it.
