If you're anything like me, you'll have kicked off the new year with some well-meaning intentions! Maybe you’re going to move jobs, get fit, or finally getting round to sorting out that cupboard under the stairs that's been driving you mad for months (this is definitely one of mine…)
You might also have something like ‘meet more people,’ or ‘sort out your friendships’ on your list. Even if you don’t, the fact that you’re reading this tells me that friendship is on your mind in some way, and is going to be a theme in 2026.
Here’s what I can 99% guarantee isn’t on your New Year’s to do list – working out what you want from the friendships you’re going to try and build this year.
It always surprises me that we go out looking for relationships with as big an impact on our lives as friendship, without a clear idea of what kinds of friendship we’re looking for – yet most of us do it. It’s surprising! Most of the people that you and I know could describe their ideal job in a lot of detail. They know exactly what kind of home environment helps them thrive. They can paint a vivid picture of their perfect holiday. But ask them to describe what they're looking for in their friendships, and it’s clear that it’s not a question most people have ever even contemplated asking.
First, I want to explain why this matters.
Next, I want to share six questions with you that I’d encourage you to ask as we start the new year – questions designed to help you get clear on what you're actually looking for in friendships this year. It’ll help you to have a pen and paper to hand as you read through these.
Why This Matters
Knowing what we’re looking for in our friendships really matters, and this is why.
If you're planning to move to a new city, you don't need to start out knowing exactly which neighbourhood you'll live in, what cafés you'll go to, which yoga studio you’ll attend, exactly how far the commute is to work, and what your social calendar will look like down to the specific day of the week.
But you do need some parameters to guide your decision making – ideas on what you like and don’t like, and what you will and won’t tolerate. For example, you might want to live in a neighbourhood with a station within a walkable distance. You might want to limit your commute to an hour. It might be a non-negotiable to have a view from your apartment. You might ideally like to have an extra bedroom, but that’s something you’d be willing to compromise on for the right place. Only you will know what suits you – with this knowledge, you’re equipped to appraise, to negotiate, to make decisions that tangibly improve your quality of life. Without that, you're vulnerable to taking the first places that's available, because you’re so desperate to have somewhere – even if it doesn’t really suit you. Or the one your estate agent pushes hardest, regardless of whether it actually fits your life.
Friendships work the same way.
You don't need a prescriptive checklist (it’s actually important to stay open to being surprised when it comes to friendship). But you do need to know what helps you thrive, what drains you, th kind of people you want in your life, and what you're building towards. If you're not clear about what you're actually looking for, you'll say yes to connections that feel okay, but leave you vaguely unsatisfied, wondering why your social life doesn't quite work. You'll accept whatever comes your way - drifting towards whatever's easiest or most convenient rather than what actually nourishes you.
This is particularly important for people like you and me - thoughtful, independent types with limited social energy who need to be careful about who we put our time and energy into.
This is why we need to ask ourselves the following six questions.
Question 1: WHAT activities and interests do you want to share with others this year?
This question is the foundation for everything else. Shared activities and interests give you reasons to spend time together, things to talk about, excuses to get in touch. They create opportunities for laughter, for bonding, for recognising and resolving differences. They help you create memories, and – crucially - they help you get to know how people react in specific situations slowly, over time.
So ask yourself:
What do you currently enjoy doing or talking about with friends? What would you like to try in the future? Is there anything you currently do alone that you'd love to involve others in? What new possibilities excite you? You might also want to think about the nature of the activities you want to do – do you prefer activities which are very physical? Or more about thinking / problem solving? Do you prefer casual, unstructured hangouts, or is something structured more your thing?
Remember that activities and interests can be anything from hiking to video gaming to doing crafts, singing, and playing board games, through to cooking, walking the dog, having a chat over a coffee or going to a museum or exhibition or gig. It’s not about picking the ‘right’ activity – it’s about working out what you genuinely enjoy anyway, and wouldn’t mind spending more time doing with others.
Come up with a shortlist of four or five things you genuinely want to do and share with friends – you’ll want to do a quick check to make sure that the things you have on your list are realistic (for example, being affordable, things you are able to do easily within your local area, and things you will want to do even when you are tired at the end of a long day!)
Once you know your ‘what,’ it’ll make it easier to say ‘yes’ to invitations that align with the activities and interests you enjoy, and to issue your own invitations as well!
Question 2: WHERE would you most like to spend time with others this year?
Do you thrive in quiet, intimate settings like coffee shops and homes? Or lively environments like community events and parties? Inside or outside? Both? Does background noise help or distract you? Do you prefer familiar environments or new ones?
Spend some time thinking about the kinds of environments that help you connect best with others. Where do you feel most relaxed, most authentic? If you were given two options of places in which to spend time with friends, which would you choose, and why?
It might be a surprise to hear it, but the physical environment in which we spend our time can make a huge difference to how well we’re able to make connections.
I personally prefer quieter settings with smaller numbers of people – think coffee shops, cosy dinners at home, gentle walks by the beach. I don’t mind spending the odd day here or there in larger groups, but it takes a lot out of me and I need to build in time afterwards to come back down to earth again. If I spend day after day in loud, busy environments, I get pretty cranky pretty fast, which isn’t great for those around me! And I’ve rarely made close friends by spending time only in larger groups. That’s just me – you’ll have to work out your own ‘where.’ But don’t overlook it – once you’ve figured out your ‘where,’ it’ll give you a way of deciding which social invitations to say yes to, and how to ask others to spend time with you as well.
Question 3: WHEN do you want to see your friends?
This is probably the question people think about least. But it's crucial for managing your energy and ensuring your friendships feel sustainable as well as enjoyable.
There are so many different ways to do the ‘when’ part of friendship. I know people whose best friends live round the corner. They're in and out of each other's houses constantly, messaging all the time, deeply involved in the minutiae of each other's lives. It's supportive, loving, very close-knit. My friendships look very different. My closest friends have other people in their lives, other things going on. We like spending time together, but we also like our own space. We message and call to show we love each other rather than being in the same place constantly.
Neither approach is right or wrong. But knowing your preference is essential, especially when making new friends. You want to choose people who have similar expectations or who are at least comfortable with your preferences.
Ask yourself: How often do you want to connect with friends? What times of day, week, month, or year work best for your social energy? How much advance notice do you need for social plans? How long do you ideally like to spend with friends? Do you need a clear, agreed cut-off point, or are you comfortable letting things run on?
Knowing your ‘when’ will help you set expectations with others, and will also help you articulate your wants, needs and expectations clearly if others try to push you to spend more time with them than you are comfortable with.
Question 4: HOW do you want your friendships to feel?
This is a question we should all be asking ourselves regularly, yet it often gets overlooked. We often stay in friendships without really asking ourselves why – and sometimes, that can mean we stay out of duty, out of habit, or because we’re not sure whether anything better will come along, rather than because the connection feels genuinely good for us. In fact, most of us are so frightened of being alone that we are willing to tolerate quite bad behaviour in others rather than acknowledging that this isn’t a good use of our time and energy.
Sometimes, that can be okay for a while. An example here would be if a good friend is going through a hard time and acting out. If the friendship usually feels good and healthy for you, then you’ll hopefully be willing to forgive them for being badly behaved for a while. But if you’re in any kind of relationship which regularly leaves you feeling drained, used, under-confident, anxious, confused, cross, annoyed, or not sure which way is up, then it might be time to ask yourself whether that’s a connection that is still good for you.
So have a think about how you ideally want your friendships to feel – and how you want to feel in your friendships. What words come to mind? Safe? Energised? Understood? Valued? Intellectually stimulated? Light and happy? Connected? You might want to think back to previous friendships and other relationships, and have a think about the ones where you came away feel good about yourself and the connection. What words would you use to describe that feeling? (If you’re struggling for words here, you can use an emotion wheel to help you out – just google it and pick one of the images to get started).
Once you know your ‘how,’ you can use it to check in with yourself after every social interaction. How did it feel?
Question 5: WHO do you want to spend your time with this year?
I mean this less in terms of specific people, although that may also be something you want to think about. I mean it more in terms of the qualities, traits, interests and values of the people you’d ideally like to be spending your time with this year.
Go back to any deal-breakers you've identified from past friendships – what hasn’t worked for you? Now flip them: what green flags are you specifically looking for? Here are some of mine:
"I need my friends to be kind and thoughtful, and good listeners. They must have a growth mindset, and ideally able to challenge me - asking good questions, helping me think through decisions. They need to be loyal, have their own interests and hobbies, and be forgiving of my shortcomings."
There's a caveat. It's very easy to focus on surface-level characteristics. People from the same place, educated to the same level, working in the same field, same gender, even physical characteristics you share. While these types of characteristics can create an immediate feeling that these are ‘our’ people, please don't be fooled into thinking they're indicators of compatibility at a deeper level. Focus more on finding people who share your deeper values, who demonstrate qualities you genuinely admire and respect. People who communicate in healthy ways, who resolve conflict rather than creating it. Those traits are far more likely to lead to closer, more enduring connections. And you can find them in people from many different backgrounds.
Once you know your ‘who,’ you’ll be able to be much more discerning about who you invest your time and energy into – and it’ll make it much harder for you to settle for anything less.
Question 6: WHY are you looking for friendship at this point in your life?
This might seem like a strange question, but bear with me! It’s easy to think that friendship is just friendship – but there’s so much more to it than that! We hold friendships at different levels, and different people within our friendship circle play different roles for us. I have friends who I trust with my deepest secrets, but we haven’t had a night out together in years because they live in different countries. I have friends I have a good time with, and the conversation has never really gone past the surface. I have friends I call when I need advice, friends I only talk about big ideas with, friends who I know will always be up for an adventure. I don’t expect one person to fulfil every role – and the lovely part about friendships is that they don’t have to.
Knowing the ‘why’ will help you look for people who can plug the gaps in your friendship circle. So ask yourself: What role do you want friendships to play? Emotional support? Practical support? Companionship? Novelty and variety? Intellectual growth? Creative collaboration? Reassurance? How do you want your friendships to contribute to the person you're becoming?
What To Do With All Of This
You can use the notes you’ve made to guide you as you decide which opportunities, and which people, to invest your time and energy with this year. You can also use what you’ve learnt to think about where you might want to make some changes (e.g.: pulling back from some connections which you’ve realised aren’t ‘in line’ with what you need).
These questions don’t cover everything you might want to think about when you’re working out what to aim for in your friendships this year. But they’re a good starting point. Let me know what else is important to you, in the comments below!
I know it might seem strange to be narrowing down what you’re looking for at exactly the point where you’re trying to expand your friendship circle. But having standards, wants, needs, preferences, and expectations won’t hurt your chances of finding friends. The opposite in fact – doing this work will actually help you start to be more thoughtful, more intentional, and more selective about who you put your time and energy into. Helping you create relationships that actually nourish you, and that you are able to sustain over the longer term.
You wouldn't accept a job or a home that completely mismatched your needs. Your future friendships deserve the same level of thought and care.
