The woman sitting in front of me was someone I'd never met before, and probably wouldn't see again. Yet there we were, three hours into a soul-deep conversation, having already covered our work, side hustles, personal ambitions, book choices, relationships with our families, and our hopes and dreams for our children's futures.
We'd been thrown together by circumstance, waiting for our children who were performing in a short film together. We'd both assumed it would be an uneventful day (I'd brought work, podcasts, books). Instead, it had turned into a wonderful opportunity for connection. We had so much in common! The sense of familiarity was surreal. The feeling of being seen, heard and appreciated, just beautiful.
We talked, laughed, shared - a little at first, and then more and more. When the shoot wrapped up, we told each other what a genuine joy it had been to spend those few hours together, and said our goodbyes.
And that was it. We went home, went our separate ways, and haven't been in touch since.
The Pressure to Turn Every Good Connection Into Friendship
A friend I spoke to afterwards was shocked that I hadn't tried to stay in touch. "She could have been your new best friend!"
Could she? Maybe, or maybe not. Maybe we would have made the effort, spent more time together, introduced our families, become close, and prioritised getting to know each other over everything else going on in our lives.
But I think it's more likely that it would have gone differently. Good intentions turning into rearrangements, hurried meetups planned not because we had space in our lives for new friendships, but more because we felt we owed something to the connection we had shared that day. The shine wearing off once we realised that we are both different people - more stressed, more hurried, less patient - when caught up in everyday life.
The truth is that I'll never know for sure, because on this occasion, I didn't try. And I'm really comfortable with that decision.
How I Used to Approach Connection
Years ago, I would have pursued a connection that good with blinkers on. Unable to let it go, convinced that friendship was both necessary - and the only logical - outcome of such a lovely encounter.
I would have exchanged numbers, sent enthusiastic follow-up messages, suggested coffee dates, and felt disappointed when the initial spark didn't translate into something more. I would have blamed myself for not trying hard enough, or felt confused about why something that felt so natural in that moment became awkward when we tried to recreate it.
How Do Lasting Friendships Actually Form?
These days, I'm more realistic about how lasting friendships get made. And the truth is, they rarely emerge from a single magical conversation, no matter how deep or meaningful it feels in the moment. Lasting friendships are built through:
- Consistent proximity and repeated interaction. We need to see each other regularly - not necessarily every day or every week, but reliably. This is why we often make friends through work, children's activities, regular classes, or neighbourhood connections. When it comes to building lasting friendships, 'little and often' matters more than one-offs.
- Time to build layers of understanding. That first conversation might reveal what we have in common in that moment, but real friendship requires us to see each other in different contexts and moods, and dealing with different situations. We need to understand- and accept - how someone shows up when they're stressed, when they're celebrating, when they're grieving, when they're overwhelmed. These layers can't be rushed.
- The small, unglamorous moments of showing up. Friendships aren't built on profound conversations alone. They're built on the text checking in after a difficult week, the offer to pick up milk on the way over, the remembering of small details that matter to the other person, the showing up even when you're both tired. Tiny threads of care weaving together over months and years.
- Space in our lives for the friendship to develop. This is perhaps the most overlooked element. A potential friendship needs room to grow. If our lives are already busy, adding a new relationship requires either intentionally creating space (which takes time, effort and energy) or something else inadvertently being squeezed out. There is only so much of each of us to go around - who we invest our time and energy with matters.
- Forgiveness and grace through the inevitable disappointments. Every friendship will have moments of letting each other down, misunderstandings, or mismatched expectations. The friendships that last are the ones where we extend forgiveness and give each other the benefit of the doubt, again and again. Again, that's something which happens over time.
How to Tell Which Friendship Opportunities To Pursue
So how do we decide which connections deserve our limited time and energy, and which ones we should simply appreciate for what they were? Here are some questions I asked myself in that moment, and which I'm happy to share with you:
- Do our lives have natural points of intersection? If we're already in the same spaces regularly - same neighbourhood, same workplace, same exercise class - the friendship has built-in opportunities to develop organically. If seeing each other requires significant logistical effort from the start, that's a harder foundation to build on.
- Do I genuinely have capacity right now? And I mean real capacity - not just gaps in my calendar, but emotional bandwidth, mental energy, and the ability to show up consistently. New friendships require investment, especially in the early stages.
- Am I trying to pursue this because it felt good, or because it could realistically fit into both our lives? There's a difference between chasing a feeling and recognising a genuine opportunity. Magical moments are wonderful, but they don't always translate into sustainable relationships.
- What would I need to deprioritise to make room for this? This isn't about seeing friendship as a zero-sum game, but about being honest. Time spent nurturing a new connection is time not spent deepening existing relationships, pursuing our own projects, or simply resting. Sometimes that trade-off makes sense. Sometimes it doesn't.
- Does this person seem to have space too? A friendship can't develop if only one person is pushing for it. If there's mutual enthusiasm and availability, that's a different story from trying to force something when the timing isn't right for one or both of you.
The fact is that my life is pretty busy already. Making enough time for my partner, our children, and the wonderful friends I already have is enough at the moment. If I'm going to prioritise new connections, it's going to be with people where there's a far higher likelihood of it fitting in to both our lives.
The Value of Fleeting Connections
Something I've come to appreciate over the years is that not every meaningful connection needs to become a friendship. In fact, some of the most beautiful encounters in our lives are precisely beautiful because they existed in a perfect moment, uncomplicated by the messy reality of trying to maintain them.
The conversation that days remains completely unspoilt in my memory. There's no disappointment from cancelled plans, no guilt about not keeping in touch, no slow fade of enthusiasm. Just the warm glow of having been truly seen and heard by another person, even briefly.
These moments remind us that it's possible to find connection in the most unlikely places - that we can still surprise ourselves, that there are people out there who would 'get us' if our paths crossed at the right time, in the right way. These moments are like little gifts, offering us a glimpse of something beautiful - and sometimes, that's enough.
It's Important To Think About The Impact On Your Existing Friendships
I've also learned (partly through getting it very wrong sometimes) is how important it is to protect the relationships I already have. Moving my already-limited time and energy away from the "what is" of these very real relationships to pursue a flickering "what might be" with someone else needs to be a considered choice, not an automatic response to a spark of connection.
This doesn't mean I'm closed off to new friendships! It does mean that I'm thoughtful about which seeds I choose to water, knowing that I can't tend to every beautiful possibility that crosses my path.
A Different Way Forward
Does this resonate with you? Perhaps you've felt the same pressure to pursue every promising connection, or the same guilt when you've let them slip away. Perhaps you've experienced the disappointment of trying to force a friendship that worked perfectly in one context but fell flat when transplanted into everyday life.
Understanding the real mechanics of how friendships form - the proximity, the layers, the small moments, the time, the grace - can free us from unrealistic expectations. It can help us distinguish between a lovely encounter and the beginning of something sustainable. It can give us permission to enjoy beautiful moments for exactly what they are, without feeling obliged to transform them into something more.
And when we do choose to invest in developing a connection, we can do so with our eyes open about what it actually requires, rather than being surprised when the initial spark needs conscious tending to develop into lasting warmth.
If you're tired of confusing, lacklustre friendships that don't give you what you need, and are ready to take the next steps towards more authentic, fulfilling, supportive, trust-based relationships, I can help. You can explore ways to work with me, you can also sign up for my weekly newsletter here.
