Why Does Everyone Else In Your Group Seem Closer To Each Other Than They Are To You?
Hello there,
Have you ever been part of a group, and come away feeling like everyone else was somehow closer to each other than they were to you?
Maybe they gravitate towards each other before they check in with you.
Maybe they're sharing in-jokes you're not quite in on.
Maybe everyone else just seems so relaxed with each other, while you're working out where to stand, what to do with your hands, whether it's too soon to check your phone
I still feel like this sometimes, to be honest. The best way I've found to describe it is like watching everyone else make friends through a window - them on one side, you on the other. You're there. You're trying. But somehow, it's just not quite translating into the closeness you're looking for.
For me, the confusing part is that most people this happens to aren't unfriendly. They're actually trying really hard - they're warm, they're present, they're asking good questions, listening carefully and so on.
The other confusing part is that this can happen even when you know that you are liked and wanted by the others in the group.
Over the last few months I've been picking this feeling apart - in my own life, and in conversations with clients who describe exactly the same thing. I think there are five things that are often going on. Sometimes it's just one of these. Sometimes it's a few, all quietly happening at once.
1. You're not building the threads in-between. If the only time you really connect with people is when the whole group's together, you're arriving with less than everyone else. Less shared history since you last properly spoke, less of the casual updates that build closeness over time, less likelihood that you'll know enough about people or had experiences together for in-jokes to happen. If your friends seem closer to each other than they are to you, I can guarantee there's a whole bunch of work being done on the 1:1 connections behind the scenes. A message, a check-in, a follow up, a meme about small you both mentioned, a quick coffee with one or two people, these are what starts to creates the warmth you feel in the room. If you're not actively making those investments, the gap you're sensing is real. It's not your imagination.
2. You're bringing your one-to-one energy into a group setting. I love deep conversation. Life, psychology, how we're really feeling, what it all means - that's how I connect with the people I'm closest to, one-to-one. So for a long time, that's what I'd bring to groups too. Same approach, same depth, trying to steer things somewhere I decided was meaningful. It took me ages to learn that what works in one context doesn't always work in another, and that group dynamics aren't the same as one to one. As soon as I let go of the need to have conversations on my terms, and started just enjoying the ebb and flow, everything changed. A room full of people bouncing off each other, laughing, having fun, sharing bits and pieces as they go. That's connection too.
3. You're waiting for permission to belong. This one sounds almost too simple, but it's worth saying anyway. Go and sit down. Smile. Ask someone a question. Help someone feel good about being there. That's it - that's what belonging actually looks like from the outside. We can spend so long waiting to be drawn in - for someone to notice us, make space, give us the nod - that we miss the fact that nobody's handing out permission. If we just start acting like we already belong, the rest often follows.
4. Your self-sufficiency might be working against you. If you come across as capable, calm, like you've got things handled - and you probably do - people often assume you don't need much. Not because they don't care, but because it genuinely doesn't occur to them that you might want checking in on, or that you might want to be included a bit more, or that you might enjoy some of the side conversations they're having. I don't want to make a fuss, so I'll just... not say anything. That quiet 'I'm fine' energy, even when it's not intentional, can mean people simply don't know there's a door there to knock on. You might even unintentionally be giving off 'don't talk to me' vibes. It's worth making a point of signalling openness - smiling, making eye contact, making sure your arms aren't crossed and so on.
5. Some people are just louder about closeness than others. Sometimes what looks like deep closeness is really just volume! More extroverted people often process out loud, in real time, with whoever's around, which can look like instant intimacy from the outside. They might seem more immediately interesting to others, because they're using more words and sharing more thoughts and ideas out loud. If you're more introverted, contemplative, or spend a lot of time masking, you might need a different (calmer) environment in order to feel comfortable being that open and expressive - or that may not be you at all. Don't mistake performed familiarity with genuine closeness, just because it looks that way - it might just be louder personalities who'll forget most of what they talked about in a few days!
I'd love to know about your experience of this kind of thing. Are there any of my five points you feel could be playing a role for you? Is there anything missing? Hit reply and let me know - depending on what comes back, I'll go deeper in next week's newsletter on the one or two which come out most strongly.
With warmth and friendship,
Hannah x
Hannah Carmichael OBE
Friendship & Connection Coach
