Hello friend,
Last month, a few of us met to explore a really interesting - and often frustrating - question. Why is it that 'just being a good person' often isn't enough to ensure we end up with healthy, supportive, reciprocal friendships with other good people?
You'd think it would be. Surely, our logic goes, if we just keep showing up for our friends and being a reasonably decent human being, then other people will do the same for us. Won't they...?
As many of know all too painfully, it just doesn't work that like. Sometimes, yes, when we're fortunate enough to fall into the path of other really good people. But sometimes, our goodness just leads to us being taken advantage of (or at the very least, taken for granted) - and we almost never know in advance which way it's going to go.
Why does this happen? What's really going on? Here are three things I see all the time:
1. You assume everyone else is wired like you. You extend trust, patience and effort because that's simply who you are. You expect the same back, because why wouldn't you? It's what you do, so you expect others to do likewise. The hard truth is that not everyone is operating from the same place as you. Not because they're necessary bad people - but they may well not be as thoughtful, or as able to put themselves into others' shoes, or as generous with their time. They may simply have different priorities, and / or may genuinely not understand the impact they are having on you. Whatever is going on, knowing who the people are who are really able to be there for you, in the way you need them to do, versus those who just can't, really does change everything.
2. You were taught not to rock the boat. Somewhere back in your distant past, you probably learned that being liked and accepted, meant being good and quiet. Not making a fuss. Not calling others out when they treat you poorly. Not standing up for yourself. Not saying how you'd really like to be treated. Keeping the peace, even at your own expense, because that's what earned you love and approval. That training didn't just disappeared when you turned eighteen - it just morphed into a grown-up habit of shrinking yourself to keep everyone else around you comfortable. Even if they're people who really don't deserve it.
3. You haven't recognised that your goodness has a shadow side. This is the one nobody wants to hear (I certainly didn't!) But it's so important. It could be that your kindness means you keep giving people the benefit of the doubt long after they've stopped earning it. It could be that your empathy means you end up becoming an emotional crutch for someone who's more interested in trauma dumping than actually getting better. It could be that your loyalty is leading you to stay in relationships that just aren't good for you. It's not that there's anything wrong with these qualities themselves - they're beautiful, and exactly what makes you a wonderful friend! It's that any gift, when given to people who don't understand the value of what they've been given, can start to feel extremely hollow.
In our session, we shone a spotlight on the assumptions we make as good people which sometimes don't hold true. We got honest about the 'shadow sides' of the qualities we have that make us good friends. And crucially, we learnt about the strategies that good people who are good at friendship use to draw in only other good people, while making sure their wonderful qualities continue to shine!
I've just posted the full video in our learning library. The link is here, and the video is under 'community sessions.' If you're already a Friendshift Circle community member, you'll be able to log in straight away to access it. If not, you'll need to sign up.
With warmth and friendship,
Hannah x
Hannah Carmichael
Friendship & Connection Coach
www.hannahelliscarmichael.com
Since writing this newsletter, I've made a video going into the same topic in a lot more detail. You can view 'If you're a good person, watch out for these three friendship traps' here.
