Why Do Your Friendships Feel Like Hard Work?

Friendships are meant to be a source of joy, support, and connection in our lives. Yet, sometimes, managing these relationships can feel more like a burden than a blessing!

This week in my online community, we looked at the signs of healthy versus unhealthy friendships, and explored the reasons why we often stay 'stuck' in friendships that don't give us what we need. We realised the group had a lot in common! From being tired of chasing surface-level connections, to being uncertain how to meet new people, to feeling guilty about taking time out from their friendships to rest, it was really reassuring for our participants to know that they weren't alone! 

Why Your Friendships Might Feel Like Hard Work

If you've also found yourself wondering why your friendships seem to require more effort than they should, help is here! Through hundreds of conversations with people navigating friendship challenges, I've noticed that when friendships feel harder than they should, it typically comes down to one (or more) of five reasons. Here's what might be happening, and how you can start to shift towards more fulfilling friendships. 

1. You're Investing In The Wrong People 

This is probably the most common reason friendships feel like hard work – and it's the one nobody wants to hear, because it means accepting that all your effort might have been misdirected. 

Here's what often happens: we meet someone who seems brilliant. They're charming, witty, fascinating to talk to. We think, "Yes! This person would make a great friend." So we invest. We suggest meet-ups. We send thoughtful messages. We make the effort.

But charm doesn't equal friendship capacity. Wit doesn't mean someone has the time, energy, or inclination to build a genuine connection. And sometimes we keep investing in friendships that used to work beautifully but that – for whatever reason – just aren't giving us what we need anymore.

Sarah shared her experience in one of our community sessions. "I'd been trying for months to build a friendship with this woman I met at work," she said. "She was so interesting, so fun when we chatted in the office. But every time I suggested meeting up outside of work, she'd say yes but then be vague about dates, or cancel at the last minute. I kept thinking, 'What am I doing wrong?' It took me ages to realise – she wasn't being unkind, she just didn't have capacity for new friendships. She already had her people, and I wasn't going to be one of them."

The painful truth is that you can't force a friendship with someone whose priorities, values, or social needs are fundamentally different from yours. And trying to do so will leave you exhausted and disappointed.

Take a moment to reflect on your current friendships. Are they based on mutual respect, shared values, and genuine care? Or are you holding onto relationships out of habit or fear of being alone? Remember that gently winding down friendships that aren't working can actually free up space, time and energy for positive new connections. 

2. You're Not Managing Your Energy Properly

This one is crucial, particularly if you're an introvert, highly sensitive, shy, or neurodivergent.

Social interaction isn't free. It costs energy. For some people, it costs significantly more energy than it does for others. This isn't about being antisocial or unfriendly – it's about basic physiology. Some people recharge through socialising; others deplete through it and need solitude to recover.

The problem comes when you don't respect your own energy limits - saying yes to every invitation, being always available. You push through the exhaustion because you think you should, or because you don't want to let people down. And then you burn out. You start resenting your friends – not because they've done anything wrong, but because you've given more than you actually had to give.

Tom described this perfectly in one of our sessions. "I'd spend the whole weekend socialising because that's what my friends wanted to do," he said. "By Monday I'd be absolutely shattered, irritable, couldn't focus at work. I started dreading the weekends. And then I felt guilty about dreading them, because my friends are lovely people! It took me ages to realise – I just need more downtime than they do. Once I started being honest about that, everything got easier."

Your social energy is a finite resource that needs managing. This means:

• Scheduling rest time and treating it with the same importance as social plans
• Being honest with friends about your need for downtime (real friends will understand)
• Saying no sometimes, without guilt or lengthy explanations
• Recognising that looking after yourself isn't selfish – it's necessary for sustainable friendships

Remember: showing up exhausted and resentful doesn't serve anyone. Better to show up less often, but actually present and engaged.

3. You're Spending More Time 'Managing' Than Enjoying

Healthy friendships should feel good, nourishing and enjoyable most of the time. There will be rough patches - all relationships have them - but the baseline should be comfort, ease and enjoyment. If you find yourself constantly trying to resolve conflicts, walking on eggshells, chasing or apologising, then that's not a relationship - it's a maintenance project. 

Lisa shared her experience: "I had a friend who I absolutely adored, but every time we met up I'd leave feeling anxious. Had I said something wrong? Did she seem off with me? I'd replay the conversation in my head for days. I thought I was just being oversensitive, but eventually I realised – I never felt like this with my other friends. It was specific to her."

When Lisa gently created some distance in that friendship, she was struck by the difference. "My other friendships felt so easy in comparison. We could disagree without drama. I could be myself without constantly monitoring how it was landing. That's when I realised – that exhausting friendship wasn't me being difficult or oversensitive. It was just... wrong."

When was the last time you simply enjoyed your friend's company without any underlying tension, anxiety, or effort? If you can't remember, or if the answer is "not for a long time," that tells you something important.

4. You Don't Actually Know What You Want

This sounds obvious, but it's astonishing how many of us drift into friendships without any clear sense of what we're looking for or what a healthy friendship should actually feel like.

We meet someone. There's a spark of connection. We think, "Great, let's be friends!" And off we go, without ever defining – even to ourselves – what we want from that friendship, what our boundaries are, what we can realistically offer.

This lack of clarity leads to confusion and disappointment. You feel like something's 'off' but can't articulate what. You find yourself frustrated or hurt but don't know if your expectations are reasonable. You wonder if you're asking too much, or not asking enough, because you've never actually worked out what 'enough' looks like for you.

Take time to reflect on what you truly want from your friendships:

• How do you want to feel when you're with your friends?
• What does mutual support look like to you?
• What does reciprocity mean in practice?
• What are your non-negotiables in a friendship?
• How much time and energy are you actually prepared (and able) to invest?
• What kind of contact feels right – daily texts, weekly meet-ups, monthly catch-ups?

Understanding your own needs and expectations is crucial. It helps you make informed decisions about which relationships to nurture and which ones to reconsider. It stops you settling for friendships that don't actually work for you, and gives you clarity about what you're looking for when meeting new people.

5. You're Doing It Alone

So many of us struggle with challenges in their friendships, and I know from experience how easy it is to feel as though we're the only person in the world feeling the way we do. We might feel embarrassed that we care so much about a friendship (vs, say, a romantic or family relationship) and convince ourselves that we should be able to handle it on our own. Strangely, we often feel able to talk openly about relationship problems, family issues, work stress – but when it comes to friendship difficulties, it just doesn't feel okay somehow. 

Remember that reaching out for support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Whether it's another trusted friend or family member, a therapist, counsellor or coach, external perspectives can provide welcome reassurance that we're not alone, as well as invaluable insights into our relationship dynamics and new ideas on how to make things right. 

Rachel described this in one of our coaching sessions: "I spent months agonising over a friendship that was making me miserable. I didn't want to 'burden' anyone by talking about it. But when I finally opened up to another friend, she said, 'Oh my god, I went through exactly this last year.' Just knowing I wasn't alone, that it wasn't just me being oversensitive or difficult – that was huge."

What happens next? 

Understanding why your friendships feel hard is important – but it's just the beginning. Once you can see what's happening, you can start to respond differently.

This might mean:

• Redirecting your energy away from people who aren't reciprocating, and towards people who do
• Being more honest about your capacity and boundaries
• Stepping back from friendships that require constant emotional management
• Getting clearer about what you want and need from friendships
• Seeking support instead of struggling alone

None of this is easy. But here's what I've seen time and again in our community: when people start responding to what's actually happening rather than what they wish was happening, things shift - less anxiety, less resentment, more energy, and less of a sense that you're the problem somehow. 

The Thing I Most Want You to Remember

Your friendships should not feel like constant hard work. They should not leave you drained, anxious, or questioning your worth. Yes, all friendships require some effort – but there's a world of difference between effort and exhaustion.

You're allowed to want friendships that feel good. You're allowed to have standards. You're allowed to redirect your time and energy towards people who genuinely value you, and to step back from connections that don't serve you well.

As our lives change, it's normal for our friendships to change too. It's okay to outgrow certain relationships. It's okay to realise that some friendships no longer work for you. And it's absolutely okay to want – and to pursue – something better.

Don't settle for less. Your future self – and the friendships you'll build when you stop settling – will thank you for it.